


I'm fine

by JusticeIsBittersweet



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Kira Light, So incredibly out of character it disgusts me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 15:21:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1433305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JusticeIsBittersweet/pseuds/JusticeIsBittersweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because no matter how many times they say it, inside they will still be broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm fine

Light hates the odd way he sits, legs folded beneath him, crouching over the screen of his computer or laptop, showing himself for the animal he is.

Light hates that he consumes so much sugar in one day, picking each treat with his thumb and forefinger, holding it like it's contaminated, yet gazing at it with wide, loving, dark eyes before wrapping his mouth around the sweet.

There are a lot of things that Light hates about L but the thing Light hates him for most of all is the way that L makes him feel.

He shouldn't be having these thoughts, these emotions, not about L, not about a gangly, messy, infuriating man who is years older than him. He shouldn't be having these feelings for the person who could potentially be the death of him. He shouldn't react like a teenage girl every time the raven-haired detective touches him.

But things like this happen.

Plus Light is sure L knows it. There's a smug little smirk upon the man's lips as he sits at his desk, armed with a plate of cheesecake. Light crinkles his nose at the sickly treat but doesn't comment like he usually does. No, the teen is too busy keeping himself together.

"Are you ok?" L asks eventually, watching the teen's pale face with wariness, becoming even more puzzled when the boy refuses to look at him.

Light grits his teeth, gazing at the screen of the monitor. "I'm fine," he says in a calm, low voice, the frustration barely noticable. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"There is a 76% chance you are lying to me, Light-kun. Recently, your behaviour has been fairly...eratic, to say the least. Not only is it effecting your work but the other members of the task force and I must say it concerns me. It seems as though you are...afraid?" L tilts his head as he studies him. "Light...why are you scared? The possibity of death? Guilt over the murders you have committed?"

Light growls. "I am not afraid." At least, not of those things. He is more afraid of what L would say should he call him out on his developing emotions towards his...friend? Colleague? Nemesis?

Light settles on friend.

He can feel those dark eyes gazing into the black abyss of his soul, doesn't even turn to face him. Instead, he just mutters "I'm fine" and continues to scroll through the documents.

_Yes, everything is fine. Act natural and it will all be ok._

 

 

 

* * *

 

It takes a long time for Light to get to sleep.

Of course, L sits beside him, tapping at his laptop and generally making a lot of noise, though that isn't the only factor keeping him awake. Even if he closes his eyes and turns his back to the man, drowning out the noise with his own thoughts, he can still sense him, aware of his every move. It's like he has become hyper-aware of everything he does.

Light knows this isn't good.

Instead of trying to sleep, Light turns on his back and stares at the ceiling, trying and failing to refrain from glancing at L. The white glow from the computer is the only light in the room, the only way he can actually see, and L is too caught up in his work to bother looking over. He probably thinks he's asleep. Good. It means Light can spend more time gazing.

The teen takes this opportunity to study the man's face, taking in the blank expression, the smooth, pale skin and those wide, dark eyes which, though normally void of any emotion, now show tiredness and sorrow. Strange, for L. Emotion isn't something Light could connect to him, and though sometimes something cracks through the façade L usually wears, it is very rare that he expresses anything. Even though Light knows L does feel, it takes a lot for him to show it.

...something is wrong.

As if sensing Light's confusion, L turns suddenly, too quick for Light to look away like he hadn't been staring. The two meet each other's eyes, Light's concerned meeting L's now cold ones. There is only hostility and irritation in his gaze, the icy glint in them sending shivers down the boy's spine, yet he still doesn't break contact, and neither does L. When the man speaks, his tone is neutral, though strained slightly with something Light can't place.

"How long were you staring, Light-kun?"

Light blinks, still unable to look away, watching as the anger and coldness drains from L's eyes to leave the exhausted expression once more. L turns away eventually, tired of waiting, tired of everything it seems. He doesn't go back to work; he simply crouches in front of his laptop, eyes trained on the screen yet not seeing. It unnerves Light.

"Ryuuzaki." He grabs L's arm, feeling him tense under the unexpected guesture. "Hey. Are you...ok?"

It is strange how their positions are suddenly reversed. It was only the previous day when L had asked him the same question, equal concern on his face. Light finds it odd that he is being weirdly expressive recently.

"Yes, Light-kun. I am fine. I am simply a little tired."

"Then why don't you rest?"

"Go to sleep, Light-kun. I am fine."

Light nods, releasing his hold on L's arm and turns over, trying his hardest to ignore the presence crouched beside him and to squash the rising fear as the silence continues on in the absence of clacking keys. Darkness overwhelms him and sleep takes hold eventually.

* * *

 

The next day, L avoids him as much as he can, even with the chain in place.

He doesn't look at him. He doesn't come any closer than he needs to. When he talks, his voice is even lower than usual, devoid of any friendliness that Light is used to. If he thought yesterday that L was overly expressive, today he is the complete opposite. A cold, emotionless being.

It doesn't take long for Light to snap.

They are alone for the time being, the rest of the investigation having gone home. Light is once again scrolling through the documents mindlessly, frequently glancing at L in the process when he notices the time.

"Ryuzaki."

No response.

"Ryuzaki?"

Still nothing. The raven-haired detective sits in his crouched position, typing away and ignoring him.

"L," Light growls, his voice laced with anger. "Why won't you even look at me?"

A sigh. Pale, long fingers come to rest, splayed upon the keyboard and he bows his head, a defeated expression upon his face. Light hopes this means he will get an answer.

The silence is long, drawn out and uncomfortable, weighing heavily on Light's heart as it increases. Eventually the teen stands, chain clinking as he moves forward to sit on L's desk, legs swinging slightly.

"L."

L looks up, façade once more in place. Light is determined to break through his mask completely one day.

"I'm sorry, Light-kun. Maybe tomorrow." He gets up and begins to walk away, expecting Light to follow without complaint. Light simply stands his ground and grabs the chain, yanking him back to face him.

"Not tomorrow," he hisses. "Now." He knows he sounds like a spoilt child denied his candy, a fitting metaphor in this case, yet he doesn't care. He needs answers. There is clearly something-

"Ryuzaki...?" Light is surprised when the man steps closer, finally looking him fully in the eyes with the same boredom he usually wore. Bare feet slap on the ground beneath him, closing the space between them, until L is pressing him against the desk, one hand curling round his back, the other burying itself in his hair, absent-mindedly playing with it. The teen's breaths come out quicker as he mutters "what-" before L pulls him down and presses his lips against his.

It takes Light a moment to comprehend what is actually happening, to register L's lips moving against his own, the hand on the back of his neck moving to gently stroke down the side of his face and the teen leans into the soft touch, kissing back with equal carefulness while wrapping his arm around him. The kiss isn't deep, it isn't passionate, it isn't fast and needing, but tender and loving. When they pull back, there is a mischeivous glint in L's eyes, a slight curve to his lips, a faint blush on his cheeks that makes Light's heart pound harder, his stomach aching with longing. He hasn't felt like this before. Not for any girl.

The silence is still there, yet instead of tense it is now comfortable. It feels right, to be here like this, in L's arms, no matter how wrong it is and he is aware that L still has a hold of him, his hand brushing his cheek. The man looks at him, face neutral again, though Light can see that he has broken that mask completely now, that things won't be the same, will never be the same, for there is a look in L's eyes, that look the he had seen the previous night, and he finally realises what it is.

He can't say love; this isn't love but a relationship with the potential to develop into love. More like...affection. Yes, more fitting. And as L continues brushing his hand across his cheek, he realises they are still entwined, but it's ok because it doesn't look like L will be pulling away any time soon.

"You wanted an answer, Light-kun," L mutters. "Are you satisfied?"

"No." Light smirks, resting his forehead against L's. "But I suppose this will have to do for now."

* * *

 

_He was standing under a grey sky that reflected his low mood. For some reason, he was slightly panicked as he looked down upon the woman with dark hair in a black jacket. He could see she was young and pretty, with pale skin and dark eyes that carried nothing but sorrow inside their murky depths._

_"I just need to see some form of identification before we proceed," he was saying._

_At his words, the woman looked down, her face crumpling with guilt. "Oh, um..."_

_"Yes?"_

_"Well, you see, the name I gave you before wasn't my real name." She bowed. "I'm so sorry."_

_A smile lit up his face then, joy overcoming his panic a this breakthrough, then his innocent expression slammed back into place when she stood upright once more. "Don't worry, it's alright. To be honest, I'm impressed about how incredibly thorough you've been. You've stayed one step ahead of me, but I suppose that's just further proof of your capabilities."_

_"So will a Japanese driver's licence do the trick then?"_

_"Sure."_

_The woman stuffed her hand inside her bag, pulling out her licence and Light had to fight down the overwhelming excitement he felt within him as he took it from her._

_It was beginning to snow. Light paid no attention as he focused on the name and wrote it down on a scrap piece of paper then checking his watch with a small smile upon his lips._

_"Um..."_

_He looked up to find the woman gazing expectantly at him._

_"If you don't mind me asking...why do you keep checking your watch?"_

_"Oh, um...I guess it's because..."_

_Thirty-five seconds had passed._

_"Because I'm Kira," he said, looking at her with a hungry expression. Yes. The feeling of power, the feeling of having the upperhand once more. Light was once again in control, and he watched triumphantly as the woman gasped, her expression haunted._

_Forty seconds._

_Her eyes glazed over, and she turned, waking slowly away._

_"What's the matter?" he taunted, a grin erupting onto his face._

_"There's something I have to do," she replied in a monotonous voice._

_He took the cell phone from his pocket, flicking it open, the grin never leaving his face. "My father's cell phone might be available now. Do you want to see if you can talk to him?"_

_"No, thank you. I have nothing to say to him."_

_His head dipped forward, eyes peering from under his hair as he watched her walk into the distance, off to her death. "Then goodbye, Naomi Misora."_

* * *

 

The rain. It falls faster, taps a rhythm on the window, drums into Light's head, a neverending flood of tears from above. It soothes him as he stumbles from nightmare into reality. It calms the heavy thudding from his heavy heart. His heavy heart filled with guilt and desire and dreams.

A heavy heart in his chest weighed down by thin, pale arms. Pale arms wrapped around him in a warm embrace. These arms make his soul darker with sorrow, makes his brain race with confusion. It makes that voice, that dark, harsh voice, stir inside him, makes him reflect on all the evidence against him, all the things L has said, his dream.

The rain reaches a faster pace, smashing against the glass of their shared room.

He looks over at L to see him staring at him with narrowed eyes as he asks, "How do you know Naomi Misora?"

Shit. He'd been talking in his sleep.

Licking his lips, he can feel his heart rate speed up as he remenices the dream. There is now a strong possibility that the dream was actually a memory, especially seeing as L apparently knew the woman he had seen. "She...she was real."

"Yes. She came over with one of the FBI agents, remember? Her fiancé."

"Um..." Light shifts slightly, but L tightens his embrace, holding him closer, tilting the teen's chin up until he meets his eyes. "I..." He looses himself in those dark pits, filled with concern, wariness and irritation.

"You said you didn't want to kill her."

"I didn't want to."

"Then why did you?"

Light shivers. "I don't remember." _I don't remember', not 'I didn't'_. Maybe he is starting to accept that the chances that he was innocent are growing slimmer. He doesn't want to die...but if it turns out he did kill all those people...then will he still want to go on? Will he still want to be free with the weight of those deaths hanging over his mind?

"You think too much, Light-kun. It unnerves me," L whispers. At his words, Light looks down at him, taking in his solomn expression and furrowed brow. Heart quickening, the teen reaches out daringly with a slightly shaking hand. Trembling fingers touch warm, smooth skin. He brushes over his forehead, replacing his confused expression with a more content one.

"I could say the same about you," he replies.

They fall silent again, limbs entwined, both emmersed in their own minds. Light can hear his own heartbeat, which still hasn't come to rest after that nightmare, can hear the rain outside, can feel the heat radiating from the warm body in his arms, and thinks that he is incredibly lucky to be alive, even if it won't last that long. If he is Kira, which even Light is starting to believe now, then the truth will come out in the end. Either L will uncover everything or he'll remember everything and hand himself in. He won't be able to live with himself if he remembers. So much power...it makes people corrupted. He doesn't want to remember himself like that. He doesn't want to be like that.

Plus if he remembers, then there is a good possibility that power will corrupt him again, which will aid Kira in taking a hold over his mind once more. And if Kira comes back...there is a good possibility that he will kill L in the process.

Light moves away from L. The man's arm reaches to pull him closer but Light stands, walking as far as the chain can allow him. "I...I manipulated her into giving me her driver's licence. Then I wrote her name down. The timing seemed significant; I kept on glancing at my watch to check how long had passed. Thirty-five seconds after writing her name, I told her...I was...I was Kira." He takes a deep breath. "And after forty seconds...she walked away to her death. And I laughed, L. I laughed. I felt so happy, happy about killing someone. It makes me sick."

L flops back onto the bed. He stares at the ceiling.

"L. I think..." The chain still holds them together, so Light can't run. He wish he can. He wants to escape this nightmare, wants to escape into blissful ignorance once more. But the damage has been done.

L stares at Light for a long time. His eyes close and he speaks again. "Light, thank you for telling me this. This can help us a lot with the investigation."

"Mhm." The teen sits on the floor, his back resting against the bed. It isn't comfortable, though it's much better than facing the expression in L's eyes. He has just admitted he might be Kira, just signed away his life for L to play with, and it scares him.

Light feels a tentative hand on his shoulder. Warm. Comforting. And so very much L. "Light?"

He says nothing. He doesn't shy away from the touch either.

With a sigh, the man slips from the bed to sit by him. "Light, please talk to me."

He doesn't even look at him.

"At least come back to bed, you're shaking." Light's not entirely sure if he's shaking from the cold or the withheld tears, but he takes the advice anyway. L helps him up and they climb under the covers, L wrapping his arms around him to give him a bit of warmth. Their positions are reversed now; L holding Light, Light resting his head on L's chest. He listens to the soft, steady thudding of the detective's heart, trying to imagine himself as the one to cease the beating...and he can't help it. No matter how much he tries to prevent them, the tears spill onto his cheeks, streaking down his face, his body racking with silent sobs. He feels so embarrassed yet he can't stop, and L rubbing his back and just holding him while he cries...it just makes it all the worse. He buries his face into L's shoulder, trying to calm himself down.

"What if I am Kira?" he asks. "What would happen?"

L's tone is hushed. "I would bring you to justice. I would make you pay."

Light shifts slightly to look at him fearfully and L simply smiles.

"But I would do it my own way. Don't worry, Light-kun, you're safe. I'll always keep you safe." A dangerous glint in his eyes now. "But don't think you won't be punished for your crimes."

"I know. Thank you. And..." He falters.

"And?"

"I'm sorry," Light says, hating how young and weak his voice sounds. But he continues. "I'm sorry for everything."

And then he reaches out, hands wrapping around the older man's neck, pulling him closer, lips inches away from each other. L's warm, moist breath tickles Light's skin, quickening with nerves as their lips met. L's mouth applies pressure to his as he slides his arms down Light's shoulders, down his back, resting at the waist. The teen pulls him closer, tongue flicking over his lips and demanding entry. L lets him. It's amazing, this feeling of euphoria, this feeling Light will never experience with anyone else. L is unique, in more ways than his appearance.

Finally, the older man leans back and wipe the tears from Light's cheeks. His face flushes in embarrassment, but L just kisses him again.

"You don't need to apologise," he says gently.

"I do. I..."

"I know, Light-kun. I know." He holds Light against him for a long time.

* * *

 

Light sits beside L in the helicopter, staring at the notebook.

"Don't let me touch it. Whatever you do, don't let me touch that," he says, voice breaking with panic as he backs away. "Please, L..."

L stares at him in concern. "Light-kun?"

"Think about it. In that dream, I wrote Naomi Misora's name and after forty seconds, she dies. Nothing of significance there apart from the fact that I wrote down her name. And now you are holding a notebook Higuchi says he used to kill people with." Light shakes his head. "Please don't let me touch it."

"Of course, Light-kun." L brings it closer to himself as he talks to the other members of the Investigation, and Light doesn't miss the worried yet relieved looks L sends his way.

* * *

 

That night, as they get dressed for bed, L approaches Light.

"Are you ok?" His hands glide over the smooth, strong muscles of Light's shoulders and he clearly revels in the feeling of his fingers moving against the bare skin. "I understand it must have been hard for you, today."

"I'm fine, Ryuzaki," Light replies, placing his mask down again...yet knowing it is futile. L is be able to see through his mask as well as he is able to see through L's. Their connection is too strong to hide away from each other. This doesn't stop Light from trying.

"You know you'll remember it all anyway," L says loudly. "You'll remember the feeling of power you had, remember the dying screams of those who you murdered, remember their fear as they crumple to the ground and without the note to delude you...you'll most likely suffer under the guilt. That is your punishment, Light-kun, and a punishment well deserved." L's voice is stern and Light tries his hardest not to flinch at the harshness in his tone, failing miserably. He dejectedly turns away and pulls the pyjama top over his head before holding out his wrist to be cuffed. He winces as cold metal encircles the flesh once more.

There is a silence as Light observes L in his loose pyjamas that look the same as his day clothes, the jeans only replaced with a pair of sweatpants. Then L steps forward, pressing up against the teen and letting both arms snake around his neck. Light looks up timidly when the man straightens to his full height.

"I don't believe for one second that you are ok, Light," L whispers fondly. "But I'm going to change that."

* * *

 

It's L who has the nightmare tonight.

Light wraps his arms around him, hoping that will settle him down and it does work for a moment. But then the detective starts lashing out and Light wakes him up by shaking him.

"L, come on, it's ok," he says as the man startles into consciousness, dark eyes blearily scanning his surroundings before taking in the hands wrapped around the teen's throat. He lets go, eyes wide. "Light-kun, I apologise..."

"It's fine," Light smiles. L moves his arms a little and turns his head towards Light so that his face is pressed into his chest. Light moves my hand to rub circles in his back. Judging from the deep breath he takes, it seems as though he's building up his courage for something and it scares the teen. Over the past week, he's seen a different side to L, though nothing on this scale. He usually hides himself so well that everyone thinks his heart truly is made out of stone.

But Light knows better.

"Ryuzaki..."

"I'm fine, Light-kun. Just...please give me a moment."

"Of course." Light continues to rub soothing circles in his bent back as the detective takes deep breaths to compose himself. Eventually, the man tenses and he pulls back slightly to rest his head against Light's shoulder, face inches away from his own.

"Thank you," he croaks out.

"No problem," Light says. He gently brushes the hair away from his face, looking deeply into the older man's eyes, seeing the panic and fear in their depths and kisses him deeply, trying to expel that pain and fright. He's the only one who can. Well, apart from Wateri, yet he isn't here.

They huddle up together on the bed, curling up together under the covers. L is turned so his back is resting against Light's chest, giving a hum of satisfaction as the teen drapes his arms across the lean frame. He seems so fragile. Light is scared he'll break if he tightens his hold.

"Light?"

"Mhm?"

"Promise me you won't leave me."

The request is so strange that Light sits up a little to see his face. The eyes are shut, a peaceful look blanketing his features once more. "I'm not going anywhere, L. Do I look like I am?"

"I mean...don't leave me. Ever." The voice is a whisper, barely audible but Light still hears it. It sends a shiver down his spine hearing the melancholy tone to it; obviously the request has been provoked by the nightmare.

So he responds the only way he sees fit.

"I promise, L."

* * *

 

In the car, L takes the boy's hand in his own when the nerves get too much. Their entwined fingers are a symbol of how much they have gained, or how far each of them are willing to go for the other. L is willing to lay the blame of Kira on another man to save a repentant teen from execution, breaking the law and many of his own morals to do so. Light is willing to give up immense power and his flawed beliefs to be with L, violating the laws he has set down for himself. Even if he isn't Kira now, his ideals are still similar, and to try to completely change his way of thinking is a huge step for him. L can't change him completely, though this is something he is determined he can.

The car grinds to a halt and the pair climb out, into the woodland Light has directed Watari to. L takes the spade from the boot and hands it to Light who is putting a pair of leather gloves on. Around them, the world continues on, oblivious to the three newcomers, various rustles and scuffles alerting them to the presence of the wildlife around them, and the wind blows their hair about their faces, obscuring their vision of the path before them.

Light hesitates.

"Come on, Light-kun. I'm right behind you." L places his hand against Light's back and he is grateful for the heat and comfort it brings. This spurs him to move forward, onward towards his worst nightmare.

"Beneath this tree."

Light stands over it, pointing, then pulls his arm down to hang limply by his side. Then, he begins to dig, digs down with a deep anger that radiates from the core of his soul, powered by hatred. He digs and when he reaches the Death Note buried in the soil, he picks it up like it is diseased, or rather a disease itself, a look of disgust on his pretty face.

"I was right," Light mutters. "My dream..."

L comes forward with an evidence bag, holding it out for Light to deposit the note in. His face remains as impassive as ever, though his eyes hold warning in them; Light had no choice but to place it in L's care.

"Good boy," the man smirks and gives the bag to Watari before taking the spade from him and enveloping the boy in a hug, holding him tightly. Light rests his head on his shoulder, breathing in the soft scent of strawberries, thinking over and over in his mind _I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine._

He doesn't manage to convince himself.

 

* * *

 

For the next year, Light has reoccurring nightmares. He knows he will do for the rest of his life, though L is there to support him, as he is there to support L. Both are broken, but know that, with the help of each other, they will get through this, will get through anything. It's in their nature.

L hasn't truly forgiven Light, he knows that for a fact. There are some times when Light feels his gaze on him, and turns to see them cold and calculating one second then warm and loving the next. Light knows he will never be trusted, though what he has to face now is much better than the alternative. He can live with the nightmares and L's occasional mistrust, as long as he knows the man will still be there for him, even at the end.

Because, even if he isn't fine, L is the one to make him ok again.


End file.
